A Covert Narcissist’s Apology After His Affair

(This is a contributed article. The article is broken into two parts due to its length. Names are anonymized. This is Part 1. You can find Part 2 here.)

Have you dealt with a covert narcissist? Not just someone who exhibits covert narcissistic behavior, but a certifiably diagnosed narcissist? I have. As a business professional, I run into overt and covert narcissists on a fairly regular basis. Many narcissists are rather successful because of their grandiose and manipulative nature, so I cross paths with them regularly.

In the end, almost all narcissists are difficult to deal with. However, covert narcissists are the most challenging — and oddly interesting — because they are so deceptive and manipulative with their narcissism. They aren’t as open and grandiose about themselves as their overt narcissist counterparts are. Still, they tend to view and live their lives as victims when in reality they are generally perpetrators who victimize others through manipulation, gaslighting, blame-shifting, etc.

While I’ve always understood that my career will put me near narcissists regularly, I never expected I’d end up having my children co-raised by one.

Enter Mr. Covert Narcissist

Several years after my wife’s affair and our divorce, I received an apology email from her new husband (and former affair partner), Will. It was a very brief email apology, the type one might expect from a covert narcissist. There was no subject line, just these seven words in the body of the email: “I’m sorry, Gary. Will you forgive me?”

While I had seen him many times over the years at various events, he had never attempted to apologize, make amends, or address the damage his adultery and actions had on both of our families. Even though he chose to apologize through email rather than meeting with me, I tried to keep an open mind since it appeared he had made an effort to apologize. I was somewhat optimistic that even a narcissist could learn from their mistakes. It was a big leap of faith to think so, though.

Over the years, Will had conspired with my ex-wife to sue me, disparage me to others, and alienate friends and family from me. Early on in divorcing my wife, I found out how litigious and dangerous he was. During his affair with my wife, he fabricated false claims against me to hinder my private investigator’s work in gathering evidence of the extent of their affair and neglect of our children. After months of drawn-out legal proceedings, motions, delays, etc., we met in court, and his case was quickly dismissed. Neither Will nor my ex-wife stopped there. As a result, I had little cause to trust him or his bankrupt character.

Will and my wife were vindictive, plain and simple. This was only amplified when he learned about all the evidence I’d gathered about their affair. During the divorce, his adultery became a matter of public record and the primary cause of his divorce from his wife. He blamed me and threatened to sue me. (I learned the hard way that covert narcissists rarely accept fault or blame for their actions. They tend to view themselves as victims, even when it is clear to everyone else that they are the perpetrator.)

My First Reply

After reading his “apology” email and taking a few days to contemplate whether his apology could be sincere, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and reply. However, it was necessary to ask him for specificity about his apology, especially given how vindictive he had proven to be. I replied:

“Thank you for your email, Will. Assuming some level of genuineness and sincerity on your part, and in the spirit of being open to accepting a sincere apology from you, I’ll share some of my thoughts and feelings from reading your email.

“We all make mistakes and need to repent. That is a given in this life. Adultery and the deception and lies inherent in infidelity are some of the most serious and grievous sins and transgressions in this life.

“…[as a Christian] you know as well as I do that true and complete repentance requires a humble and contrite spirit — recognizing and acknowledging what you did, taking responsibility for it, expressing (confessing) true regret and remorse (to those you hurt), resolving to never repeat the offense or related offenses, endeavoring to repair the damage done, and making restitution and reparations for what you’ve done.

“Your email was very brief — only seven words long — and left me a bit confused about what exactly you were attempting to apologize for. I am sure you can understand how after [several years] without a sincere apology from you, an email comprised of only seven words — void of specifics about what you are trying to apologize for or any direct acknowledgment of what you’ve done, why your actions have been morally and ethically reprehensible, and how damaging they have been to me and my children — can leave me (and anyone for that matter) with more questions than answers. Questions such as:

Why was your apology done via a brief email rather than in person?

Why haven’t you been honest with my children about what you and my ex-wife did then and are still doing now?

What specifically about your [long] adulterous affair with Kate, my now ex-wife, and all your deception and malicious behavior — then and since — are you attempting to apologize for?

Are you apologizing for slandering me? Filing false and baseless claims/documents with the court […against me] to prevent my private investigator from gathering more evidence of the extent of your affair and neglect? Manipulating and alienating my children? Asking my then-wife to leave our daughter home alone (when she was still a minor child) so you could have my wife stay nights with you? Lying, deceiving, and supporting my then-wife in delaying and drawing out our divorce, causing me financial difficulties, etc.?

Do you understand how your example of adultery, divorce, and marrying your adultery partner — my ex-wife — confuses both of our children and families about [Christian values], [marriage] covenants, the [Christian] path, [families], honesty, morality, fidelity, commitment, honor, and personal integrity?

Have you recognized the damage your adultery did mentally, emotionally, and financially to me, our marriages, our children, and our families?

Are you willing to work beyond a simple email apology and begin repairing the damage you’ve done, working toward full reparation?

“Hopefully, you can see how your email apology doesn’t elaborate on any of the above questions or clarify much about what you are repenting of and apologizing for. I’ve been actively working on fully forgiving you and my ex-wife for your adultery, betrayal, deception, libel, slander, and malice. Your and Kate’s actions over the past [several years] have caused deep hurt, trauma, and damage to your ex-spouses and children. Actions this serious take time to heal [from]. I am fully committed to healing and recognize I need to forgive you and Kate, regardless of whether you ever sincerely repent and ask for forgiveness. This is something I pray for daily.

“There are no simple or easy solutions in the wake of adultery. However, I remain optimistic, open, and willing to receive and accept a heartfelt, genuine, and sincere apology from you and Kate with a clear acknowledgment of what you’ve done, a commitment to end your continued deception, malicious behavior, and efforts to make reparations and restitution to me and my children. To do so, your mutual apologies should be done in person with our children present so they can hear the truth, see true repentance in action, begin the healing process in earnest, and hopefully have some needed closure. I believe this will go a long way toward healing our families.

“I hope you will be open and receptive to acting on what I have shared here.

Sincerely, Gary”

His Reply to My Initial Response

Shortly after sending my email, I received the following response from Will:

“Yes, my apology was sincere, though brief. We may hit roadblocks, seeing eye to eye on the approach for reconciliation. In the very language of your questions, there is a fair amount of vitriol towards me, and much of what I’m being accused of is inaccurate. I don’t want to venture into the details of where I feel you are misrepresenting what actually happened. If I did, I believe this could even make things worse between us. Understanding that this is the reason for not answering each of your individual questions, let me at least speak in general terms about some of the content of your questions.

“I’m reaching out on my own accord. Kate’s reconciliation with you would have to be on her own terms, and so apologizing in person together is not possible at this time. I would also like to make sure we can be civil with one another by email before approaching in person.

“I have apologized to your children. Not only this, but my apology has been followed by earnest attempts to be a stabilizing influence in each of their lives, with time, energy, resources, etc. I very much long for their success and well-being, and to repair damage that has been done on account of our actions.

“One reason I am reaching out to you is the same. I also wish for your well-being. If you have been praying for the ability to forgive us, and I am reaching out to you supplicating for that forgiveness. Perhaps over time, that could actually happen. Maybe it will take years, but I would rather start now than continue to wait for that to happen. I imagine the quality of your life would improve, and I would be grateful to see you doing well in all aspects of life. This is a gift you could give yourself as well.

“I understand you are hurt, for many reasons. Many of these are justifiably caused by my actions. Many of these are the result of self-sabotaging actions on your part as well…

(This is the end of Part 1. You can read Part 2 of this article here.)

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy, as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!

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About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma) helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.