A Remorseless Master of Manipulation

(This is a contributed article. The article is broken into two parts due to its length. Names have been anonymized. This is Part 2. Part 1 can be accessed here.)

Will’s email response (continued):

“…One reason I am reaching out to you is the same. I also wish for your well-being. If you have been praying for the ability to forgive us, and I am reaching out to you supplicating for that forgiveness. Perhaps over time, that could actually happen. Maybe it will take years, but I would rather start now than continue to wait for that to happen. I imagine the quality of your life would improve, and I would be grateful to see you doing well in all aspects of life. This is a gift you could give yourself as well.

“I understand you are hurt, for many reasons. Many of these are justifiably caused by my actions. Many of these are the result of self-sabotaging actions on your part as well.

“I have not alienated your children from you. It would be damaging to them if I were to speak ill of you. The research is clear on this. I think they would be pretty offended actually if I spoke negatively about you. They need their father, and I also long for the time when your relationship with them can heal. The rare times when we do speak about you, it is either in positive or neutral terms. I recollect having a long conversation with one of your children, gently counseling them that repairing and maintaining a relationship with one’s father is to be encouraged. I was speaking about my personal experience with my father, as I’m the closest of the kids to him, though it does require a fair amount of effort on my part.

“I would be more comfortable keeping our communication limited to email for now. I’m open to this being in person at some point. Thank you for your response.

Sincerely, Will”

My Final Reply and Response

After reading his email, it was clear he wasn’t sincere in his apology. He had threatened on a few occasions to sue me, and I was aware of his litigious nature toward his ex-wife and others. None of what he wrote in his reply should have been a surprise, but it was still disappointing.

During his affair with my wife, I recognized his covert narcissistic behavior. I had hired a private investigator to secure and document evidence of their affair, behavior, deceptive tactics, and neglect of our minor child. During the investigation process, we secured evidence from their Facebook Messenger, text messages, other communications, tracking, and surveillance.

Will’s covert narcissistic behavior and manipulation of my ex-wife, children, and his ex-wife and children were well documented then and since. His children do not trust him because of his gaslighting, blame-shifting, deception, etc. This is how he lives his life and treats others. While he has a normal public image, when you get beyond the veneer he has created, you can see through his facade.

In his email, he was lying, gaslighting, shifting blame, passive-aggressive, manipulating, etc. I had dealt with this behavior enough in my career and life to know that he wasn’t sincere or interested in making amends or reparations. If he were, his apology would have been in person, direct, detailed, and humble. Instead, he replied with manipulative tactics and a lack of remorse.

It was clear he had other motives or angles he was playing. What they were, I didn’t know, nor was I interested in playing his mentally manipulative game of chess.

I took some time to think about my next steps. A few days to think about his reply, and then I spoke with a few trusted friends, behavioral science professionals, and consulted a psychologically modeled AI.

At this point, I had the confirmation I needed. However, I wasn’t sure if it was best to ignore him or respond. In the end, several days later, I decided to respond to Will. My email was lengthy and detailed with clinical and professional insight. I replied:

“Thanks for your email reply, Will. Sadly, your email confirmed my skepticism regarding your contrition and sincerity in seeking forgiveness and reparations.

“However, in seeking additional perspectives to ensure a balanced view of our email exchange, I asked a few select individuals I trust to read my email and your reply. Each concluded their assessment of your reply with similar surprise and disappointment, pointing out your seeming lack of remorse, unwillingness to make true restitution, and the covert, manipulative language you used in your email. Then, wanting an impartial, professional psychological analysis, I decided to [speak with a behavioral science and psychologically trained professional and] have a psychologically modeled artificial intelligence (AI) program evaluate and assess your email reply. As a result, the AI program provided more than 10 pages of psychological analysis with several additional reference pages of cited psychological studies and research. This analysis has helped provide me with [additional] insights regarding the lens you use to view life and your behavior.

“Here are a few excerpts from the preface of the psychological analysis it provided:

“In psychological terms, Will’s response exemplifies covert narcissism, a form of narcissism characterized by passive aggression, avoidance of accountability, and self-pity masked as empathy (Wink, 1991). He employs minimization, blame-shifting, and gaslighting to avoid owning his actions, all while maintaining a façade of civility and care. His response is carefully constructed to deflect responsibility and subtly shift the burden of reconciliation and forgiveness onto Gary.”

“Covert narcissism is a subtler, more introverted form of narcissism compared to the overt, grandiose type. Covert narcissists often portray themselves as vulnerable, misunderstood, or even victimized, rather than openly arrogant or entitled. They might present a false humility or appear to care deeply about others while using passive-aggressive and manipulative tactics to maintain control and avoid accountability (Pincus & Lukowitsky, 2010).”

“The psychologically modeled AI then dissected and parsed your email reply into excerpts with psychological analysis. The full analysis is very insightful; however, due to its length, I will only include select brief excerpts to illustrate its analysis of your covert narcissistic profile and behavior:

Example: “Much of what I’m being accused of is inaccurate.”

Example: “Many of these [hurts] are justifiably caused by my actions. Many of these are the result of self-sabotaging actions on your part as well.”

Analysis: Will deflects responsibility by subtly suggesting that Gary’s perception of events is skewed or exaggerated. While appearing to acknowledge some fault (“justifiably caused by my actions”), Will introduces the idea that Gary has also contributed to his suffering (“self-sabotaging actions on your part”). This tactic allows Will to share the blame, undermining Gary’s legitimate grievances while shifting some responsibility back onto Gary for the pain caused by Will’s actions.

Covert Narcissism: Blame-shifting is a hallmark of covert narcissists. By presenting himself as partially responsible while simultaneously blaming the other party (Gary), Will maintains a facade of self-awareness and humility. In reality, this tactic serves to deflect full accountability and position Gary as equally (if not more) responsible for the fallout from Will’s infidelity. It allows Will to control the narrative and perpetuate a sense of victimhood, making it harder for Gary to hold him fully accountable.

“Here’s a second analysis excerpt for illustrative purposes:

Example: “I don’t want to venture into the details of where I feel you are misrepresenting what actually happened. If I did, I believe this could even make things worse between us.”

Analysis: Will refuses to engage with the specifics of Gary’s accusations, claiming that discussing the details would “make things worse.” This is a classic gaslighting technique, where the abuser denies or invalidates the other person’s reality, making them question their perceptions of events. By avoiding the specifics and suggesting that Gary’s version of events is a misrepresentation, Will casts doubt on Gary’s understanding of the situation, subtly implying that Gary is overreacting or misremembering the facts.

Covert Narcissism: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation often employed by narcissists to control their narrative and avoid accountability (Stern, 2018). By refusing to address specific accusations and instead vaguely dismissing them as inaccurate, Will destabilizes Gary’s confidence in his version of events. This allows Will to maintain the appearance of being reasonable and civil, while subtly undermining Gary’s trust in his judgment.

“Here’s a third analysis excerpt for illustrative purposes:

Example: “I have apologized to your children. Not only this, but my apology has been followed by earnest attempts to be a stabilizing influence in each of their lives, with time, energy, resources, etc.”

Analysis: Will presents himself as a stabilizing force in the lives of Gary’s children, suggesting that his involvement has been beneficial to their well-being. This claim is a stark contradiction to the reality of his actions, which have been deeply destabilizing to the family. Will’s infidelity with Kate and the subsequent divorces are the very events that shattered the stability of both families. By marrying Gary’s ex-wife — his affair partner — Will directly contributed to the emotional, psychological, and relational upheaval that has negatively impacted both sets of children. His attempt to frame himself as a stabilizing influence overlooks, or willfully ignores, the turmoil he has caused. The statement is self-serving, designed to present Will as a responsible and caring figure when, in fact, he has been at the center of the disruption.

Will’s logic is incoherent because it relies on a form of cognitive dissonance — a psychological mechanism where a person holds two contradictory beliefs or perceptions at the same time (Festinger, 1957). On the one hand, he partially acknowledges his role in the affair (“our actions”), while on the other, he claims to have mitigated the very damage that he caused. The cognitive dissonance allows Will to view himself as a positive influence despite being the origin of the instability, which serves his need to maintain a positive self-image without addressing the full extent of his wrongdoing.

Covert Narcissism: This contradictory behavior is characteristic of covert narcissists, who are often unwilling to confront the full scope of their destructive actions. By framing his involvement in the children’s lives as stabilizing, Will tries to reclaim control over the narrative, shifting the focus from his role as the source of the chaos to his supposed efforts to repair it. The goal is to project an image of someone who is actively contributing to the children’s well-being, even though his prior actions are the root cause of their trauma. This tactic subtly absolves him of responsibility for the damage, as he attempts to turn the situation into an opportunity for him to appear as a source of strength and support.

“Here’s a fourth analysis excerpt for illustrative purposes:

Example: “I imagine the quality of your life would improve, and I would be grateful to see you doing well in all aspects of life.”

Analysis: Will’s statement is passive-aggressive, masking judgment and manipulation under a veneer of concern. Will implies that Gary’s life is not going well and that his quality of life is somehow deficient. This is a veiled criticism, suggesting that Gary is struggling or suffering emotionally because he hasn’t forgiven Will yet. In Will’s statement, he subtly places the responsibility for improving the relationship — and Gary’s well-being — on Gary himself. While it is framed as a concern for Gary’s emotional health, this statement essentially shifts the emotional burden onto Gary, implying that his happiness is dependent on his ability to forgive Will. Will’s offer of reconciliation here is self-serving, as it absolves him of the need to make genuine reparations while placing the onus on Gary.

Will’s reasoning implies that Gary’s well-being is contingent on Gary’s forgiveness, rather than Will’s repentance. This creates a false equivalence, where the solution to Gary’s pain lies in his ability to forgive, rather than in Will’s willingness to fully confront and make amends for his transgressions. The logic here is flawed because it overlooks the fact that reconciliation and emotional healing require both parties — particularly the one who caused the harm (Will) — to take responsibility for their actions, not merely shift that responsibility onto the aggrieved party (Gary and his family).

Covert Narcissism: This is another classic example of emotional manipulation employed by covert narcissists. By framing the reconciliation process as something that will benefit Gary’s emotional well-being, Will cleverly avoids making any substantive effort to address the damage he has caused. Instead, he positions Gary as the one who must make the emotional labor of forgiveness, all while Will maintains his image as a concerned, caring figure who wishes for Gary’s well-being.

“Here’s a fifth analysis excerpt for illustrative purposes:

Example: “I have not alienated your children from you. It would be damaging to them if I were to speak ill of you. The research is clear on this.”

Analysis: Will denies that he has alienated Gary’s children, yet he simultaneously implies that it is within his power to control or influence how they perceive their father. The very fact that Will feels the need to emphasize that he has not spoken ill of Gary suggests that he is aware of his role in shaping the children’s perceptions, whether directly through manipulation or indirectly through his relationship with Kate. His mention of research (“The research is clear on this”) serves as a superficial appeal to authority, giving the impression that Will is carefully considering the children’s well-being. This is a deflection tactic to shift attention away from the deeper issue — that his actions have already caused harm, whether or not he overtly speaks ill of Gary.

Will’s reasoning here is also incoherent. On the one hand, he claims to be mindful of not speaking negatively about Gary for the sake of the children, but on the other, his very presence in their lives as the man who broke up their family inherently causes confusion and distress. The emotional and psychological damage of the affair and the subsequent marriage is not erased simply by refraining from negative speech. His logic falsely assumes that his silence on the matter can neutralize the harm, ignoring the ongoing destabilizing influence he has exerted by becoming a father figure to Gary’s children after having an affair with their mother.

Covert Narcissism: This reflects another covert narcissistic strategy — selective accountability — where the individual takes responsibility for one narrow aspect of the harm (e.g., not speaking negatively) while ignoring the broader context of their destructive behavior. Will is trying to present himself as a mediator and caretaker when, in reality, his very presence in the children’s lives continues to cause division. By portraying himself as someone who avoids harming, Will again shifts the burden of reconciliation onto Gary, implicitly suggesting that Gary’s negative feelings are unjustified or exaggerated since Will is supposedly taking steps to avoid further conflict.

“Here’s a sixth analysis excerpt for illustrative purposes:

Example: “I would also like to make sure we can be civil with one another by email before approaching in person.”

Analysis: Will’s repeated invocation of “civility” is a thinly veiled attempt to control the narrative and maintain emotional distance. His insistence on establishing civility over email before meeting in person implies that Gary might not be capable of civil interaction, subtly casting doubt on Gary’s emotional regulation. By positioning civility as a prerequisite for further engagement, Will creates a convenient defensive shield that allows him to avoid a more vulnerable, direct conversation with Gary in person. This also serves to distance Will from having to fully engage in the messy emotional realities of his actions, instead keeping the conversation sterile and controlled within the confines of email.

The notion of needing to “establish civility” before an in-person conversation reveals the incoherent nature of Will’s argument. Civility is something that can emerge through dialogue, especially when dealing with the complex emotions surrounding adultery, betrayal, and divorce. By suggesting that they must first achieve civility in email exchanges, Will is sidestepping the more difficult, but ultimately necessary, work of reconciliation, which requires open, face-to-face communication where emotions can be fully addressed and processed. His email preference allows him to avoid this accountability.

Covert Narcissism: Covert narcissists often weaponize concepts like civility to avoid vulnerability or the risk of losing control over the conversation. In this case, Will frames himself as the one advocating for calm and reason, implying that Gary may not be capable of the same. This is another passive-aggressive tactic to undermine Gary while maintaining Will’s image of being reasonable. By doing so, Will again places the burden on Gary to prove his civility, subtly deflecting attention from the emotional harm Will has caused.

“These are only a quick selection of brief excerpts from the analysis, but they provide enough illustration for my reply. At the end of the full psychologically modeled AI analysis, it concluded with the following:

A Master in Covert Narcissism

“Will’s response to Gary’s legitimate grievances demonstrates many key traits of covert narcissism. He avoids direct accountability through minimization, blame-shifting, and gaslighting, all while maintaining a façade of civility and concern for Gary’s well-being. His passive-aggressive remarks about civility and subtle accusations of Gary’s self-sabotage serve to undermine Gary’s sense of reality and emotional response. Ultimately, Will shifts the burden of reconciliation onto Gary, positioning himself as the reasonable, empathetic party while subtly controlling the narrative to avoid facing the true consequences of his actions.

“The psychological tactics employed in Will’s email — passive-aggressiveness, deflection, minimization, gaslighting, blame-shifting, false equivalence, appeal to civility, victimhood, false empathy, incoherent logic/cognitive dissonance, selective accountability, emotional manipulation, appeal to authority, self-pity, framing forgiveness as a favor, etc. — allow him to maintain control over the situation while deflecting responsibility for the harm he has caused. This kind of communication exemplifies covert narcissism, where the abuser’s need for validation, control, and avoidance of guilt is masked under a veneer of humility, victimhood, and civility.

*********************

“While you present yourself as repentant, humble, and civil, your words and actions say otherwise… In my previous email, I outlined the [Christian-centered] approach to repentance. In that spirit, I invited you to actively engage in this process and apologize in person, with our children present, so they could begin to heal from your actions, manipulation, and deception. By doing this, you would demonstrate true repentance and accountability. I encourage you to reconsider your current approach and seek a sincere heart and desire for reconciliation and restitution.

“While I remain open to honest and productive dialogue, I will not participate in discussions that downplay your responsibility or that attempt to shift your responsibility and need for honest accountability for your actions and the damage they have caused to our families. I’m not interested in being drawn into your covert narcissistic behavior. Instead, I am focused on maintaining clear and healthy boundaries, asserting your need to provide specificity of the damage and destabilization you’ve done to our families, take responsibility and assume accountability, and make reparations through direct and honest reconciliation.

“I am committed to moving forward constructively, but that will require you to be honest, truly acknowledging what you have done and what you continue to do. If you are not ready or unwilling to engage honestly, positively, and productively in healing our families, that is your decision.

“Whatever you decide to do, I hope it eventually leads you from continued manipulative behavior to an honest and sincere desire for repentance and making reconciliation, reparation, and restitution to those you’ve harmed. Until then, there is no need for further communication on this topic.

Sincerely, Gary”

Key Takeaways

A year later, Will has still never replied. I keep a healthy distance from him and my ex-wife because of their litigious nature and their false narrative about their lives and ex-spouses. The saddest part of this is that because of their affair and resulting marriage, he is in a position to parent our children. My children are exposed to his narcissistic life and behavior, which has proven devastating to all of us.

I drained my savings and retirement trying to protect my children from him (and my ex-wife). Now, all I can do is be the best example I can and pray for them. I do what I can with the time I get with my children, but it’s not enough to counter the influence my ex-wife and Will have on them.

I remain hopeful and prayerful that one day, Will will decide to reconcile and repair the damage he and my ex-wife have done and continue to do. However, based on the research I’ve done and the experts I have spoken to, it is difficult for covert narcissists to change. I still hold out hope.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy, as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!

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The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma) helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.