Understanding the Pain, Confusion, and Manipulation of the Betrayed

When one parent deeply betrays the other, through infidelity, emotional abuse, abandonment, or lies, it doesn’t just affect the marriage. It affects the whole family, including you. You may have noticed changes in how your parents behave, in how they talk about each other, or in how your relationship with one or both of them has shifted. You may feel confused, caught in the middle, or even unsure of what’s true.

You are not alone in feeling this way. And none of this is your fault.

When someone betrays their spouse or partner, they are often dealing with intense feelings like guilt, shame, or fear of being exposed. Instead of taking responsibility, some people try to protect themselves by blaming others, including the spouse they hurt and, sometimes, even their children. This isn’t fair or right, but it’s common in these situations.

Here are some of the ways this can show up:

1. Blaming the Betrayed Parent

Instead of owning up to their actions, the betraying parent might say things like:

• “Your mom/dad was always cold.”
• “I wasn’t happy for a long time.”
• “I had no choice, I was neglected.”

This is called blame-shifting, and it’s a way for them to avoid taking responsibility. But no matter what was going on in the marriage, betrayal is a choice, and blaming the other person for it is manipulation. No parent can justify their infidelity, especially by blaming the spouse they betrayed.

2. Acting Like the Victim

Sometimes the betraying parent will twist the story and make themselves look like the one who was wronged.

This is part of a psychological pattern called DARVO:

• Deny what they did
• Attack the person confronting them
• Reverse Victim and Offender — making it seem like they’re the one being mistreated

When this happens, the truth gets blurry, and you may start to feel confused about who is being hurt. That confusion is part of the manipulation.

3. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is when someone tries to make another person doubt their memories, feelings, or perceptions.

Your betraying parent might say things like:

• “That never happened.”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “Your mom/dad is making you think badly of me.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”

This is meant to make you question your reality. It’s a form of emotional control.

4. Smearing the Betrayed Parent

Sometimes, the betraying parent will try to turn you against your other parent by criticizing them behind their back or telling you negative stories. This is called character assassination or a smear campaign.

They might even try to make you feel guilty for loving or supporting the betrayed parent, or suggest that you’re being “manipulated” by them. This is projection — they are often doing exactly what they accuse the other of doing.

5. Creating Loyalty Conflicts

You may feel like you have to choose sides. Or that if you love and support one parent, you’re betraying the other. These are loyalty binds, and they are extremely painful.

A healthy parent would never put their child in that position.

If you’re feeling torn between parents, please know: You don’t have to pick sides. You’re allowed to love both parents. You’re allowed to feel angry at one or both. Your emotions are valid.

6. When They Are Using You to Avoid Accountability

Some betraying parents try to keep their image intact by using their kids as shields:

• “I stayed in the marriage for you.”
• “Don’t make this harder on me.”
• “I need your support right now.”

This puts an unfair emotional burden on you and distracts from the real issue: their betrayal and refusal to take responsibility.

How This Affects You and Your Relationship With the Betrayed Parent

You may have:

• Started questioning the betrayed parent’s version of events
• Felt pressure to be neutral or “see both sides”
• Been told lies about what happened
• Felt angry or distant from the betrayed parent without knowing why

This is not your fault. When one parent is manipulating the truth, it creates confusion and emotional harm not just for the spouse but for the children, too. What you’ve experienced is a form of betrayal trauma. Understanding that can help you heal.

Healing and Moving Forward

• Ask questions. You have a right to seek the truth, even if it’s painful or uncomfortable.
• Don’t rush to fix things. Emotional healing takes time, especially after betrayal and manipulation.
• Set boundaries. You can protect your emotional well-being, even with a parent you love.
• Talk to a therapist. Processing this with a trained professional can help you find clarity and peace.
• Reconnect with your betrayed parent. If you’ve grown distant, it’s okay to share your confusion. A healthy parent will welcome and help you process what’s happened.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy, as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma) helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.