Common excuses, what they usually mask, and how to respond
Have you ever wondered why spouses cheat? Or, thought about how they justify their betrayal? If so, sadly, you‘re not alone.
These questions inevitably lead to others, including “What are the most common excuses cheating spouses use to justify and explain their infidelity?” This article delves into the topic in a concise, evidence-informed approach. The article (1) lists the typical excuses people give after being caught cheating and what those excuses most often mask, (2) gives short, practical response scripts you can use to keep the conversation safe and demand accountability, and (3) supplies an academic-style references section for the research behind these patterns.
Quick Context
Research and clinician reports show that post-discovery explanations for infidelity commonly follow predictable defensive patterns (minimization, blame-shifting, biological rationales, situationalization). Those patterns are often described in the literature as moral disengagement strategies — ways people reframe or justify behavior so they feel less guilt and remain socially acceptable to themselves. Key empirical work on motivations and moral-justifying strategies shows both stable motives (e.g., unmet needs, desire for variety) and frequent use of self-exonerating explanations after the fact.
Common Excuses and What They Usually Mask
Many “excuses” are linguistic strategies that reduce guilt and protect self-image. That doesn’t mean there aren’t legitimate contributing factors, research distinguishes between proximate motives (loneliness, sexual dissatisfaction, anger) and post-discovery justifications.)
“I was drunk / I blacked out.”
This is avoidance of responsibility — blames impaired judgment or the situation, so the act feels accidental. (Situational excuse)
“It just happened / we were swept away.”
Minimization and defeasibility — reframes the affair as uncontrollable, reducing perceived intent.
“They seduced me/they pursued me.”
Scapegoating — shifts blame onto the other person to appear like a reluctant participant.
“It was just sex / it meant nothing.”
Emotional distancing — minimizes harm and avoids confronting emotional betrayal.
“We were already over / I don’t love you anymore.”
Rationalization — reframes cheating as a logical consequence of a failing relationship rather than a choice.
“I needed to find myself / freedom.”
A self—justifying narrative reframes the act as part of personal growth, not betrayal.
“Everyone cheats / men are wired that way.”
Normalization/biological determinism — reduces moral culpability by saying it’s universal or natural.
“I was lonely / you didn’t meet my needs.”
Externalizing responsibility points to relationship deficits, justifying seeking connection elsewhere. (Can be a real contributing factor, but often used defensively.)
“It was revenge — you did something to me.”
Retaliation framing — reframes the act as justified punishment for the partner’s perceived wrongdoing.
“I have a sex addiction/compulsion.”
Medicalization — shifting responsibility to a (disputed) clinical label to garner sympathy and mitigate blame. (Contested in the literature.)
“It was a midlife thing / I’m changing.”
Transitional framing — treats infidelity as a temporary life phase, minimizing agency.
“I didn’t think of it as cheating (because of X).”
Boundary redefinition — moral disengagement by redefining the behavior so it doesn’t sound like betrayal.
How to respond: short, protective scripts that demand clarity and accountability
These are practical one-liners and short scripts you can use immediately after disclosure or discovery. Use the tone that fits you (calm, firm, boundary-setting):
If you need facts (to replace excuses with specifics):
- “Okay. Give me the facts: when did it start, how long, and what happened?”
- “I need names, dates, and whether it was ongoing — not excuses.”
If they use a blame/‘they seduced me’ line:
- “Whether they chased you or not, the choice to act was yours. I need to hear you say that.”
- “I’m hearing ‘they seduced me’ — that doesn’t answer whether you chose to continue. Please be direct.”
If they minimize (“it meant nothing” / “it was just sex”):
- “Words like ‘just’ don’t erase the consequences for our family. Tell me what it meant to you and why you hid it.”
- “Whether emotional or physical, it was a betrayal. Minimizing it won’t rebuild trust.”
If they medicalize or say ‘sex addiction’:
- “If you believe you have compulsive behavior, show me the treatment plan and a clinician you’re working with.”
- “Calling it an addiction doesn’t remove the harm — it only matters if you commit to verified treatment and accountability.”
If they frame it as revenge or your fault:
- “You chose to hurt me instead of talking to me about what was wrong. I won’t accept that as justification.”
- “If you want to fix this, stop using my behavior as an excuse and show tangible change.”
If you need immediate safety/space:
- “I’m not debating excuses. I need time and space to process. We’ll talk when I’m ready.”
- “I want transparency and proof of accountability (logs, no-contact, therapy). Until then, I’m stepping back.”
If you have been cheated on and are working with your cheating spouse, use these as general guidelines. Keep them short, factual, and focused on actions you require rather than being drawn into arguing about motives.
Short note on effectiveness: excuse vs. accountability
Research shows accountability — specific admissions of choice, genuine remorse, and concrete behavior change (therapy, transparency measures, boundaries) — predicts repair more than persuasive-sounding explanations. Excuses and repeated moral-disengagement language predict poorer outcomes when they aren’t paired with real, verifiable change.
References
Below are key studies, reviews, and reputable reporting that informed this article. (Note: these are selected academic and evidence sources only.)
- Rokach, A. Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences — review article summarizing motives, consequences, and clinical responses to infidelity. 2023. PMC. PMC
- University of Maryland research team — “Why do people cheat? UMD identifies 8 motivating factors” (Journal of Sex Research study; 2018 summary). Shows common self-reported motivations such as anger, low commitment, need for variety, and neglect. UMD Right Now
- Lișman et al. (2022) — Innocent Cheaters: A New Scale Measuring the Moral Disengagement of Marital Infidelity (IMDS). Academic work documenting the strategies people use to morally justify infidelity. ResearchGate
- Scientific American — “Why Do People in Relationships Cheat?” (overview of findings tying motive type to affair length and pattern; useful synthesis). 2021. Scientific American
- Time/reporting on “Is sex addiction real?” — overview of controversy and limits of the sex-addiction label; cautions about medicalizing infidelity. Useful background on why “sex addiction” is commonly invoked, and why it’s contested. TIME
- Forbes (psychologist column): “6 Excuses Cheaters Use To ‘Justify’ Their Infidelity” — accessible clinician summary mapping common excuse-types to defensive functions (good for lay summary). 2024. Forbes
Recovering From Infidelity
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend you get support through professional counseling and therapy, as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you during this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!
Share Your Story
The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.
About CHADIE Foundation
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma) helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.
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