The Emotional State and What to Expect
Psychologists often refer to an affair partner who experiences “cold feet” after discovery as a “wavered spouse” or someone experiencing “ambivalence” due to a sudden disconnect from their emotions and fear of the consequences. This behavior often stems from shame, guilt, and overwhelming feelings that the individual struggles to process, leading to a desire to avoid discussing the affair and minimize the situation.
What does it mean to be a wavered spouse?
The term describes an unfaithful spouse who has come to doubt their actions, the affair, and their choices, especially after the affair is discovered.
What does it mean to experience ambivalence from emotions and fear of consequences?
This refers to a state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something, which is common for a wavered spouse who simultaneously desires the affair partner while also experiencing shame and guilt over the infidelity.
What is affair fog?
Affair fog is a term describing an altered state of mind caused by the intense emotions and hormones experienced during limerence (intense, obsessive infatuation). When the affair ends, or is discovered, the “fog” can lift, leading to a painful realization of the reality of the situation.
Why the “Cold Feet” Occur
While there is no single diagnostic label for an affair partner who gets cold feet, psychologists recognize this behavior as a form of ambivalence. After discovery, the person is torn between the intense attraction of the affair and the fear, guilt, and social consequences of leaving their primary relationship.
This emotional state is also a feature of the phenomenon known as affair fog, where the intense, obsessive infatuation of a new relationship creates an altered state of mind. When the affair is discovered, the “fog” lifts, forcing the person to face the reality and potential devastation caused by their actions.
Fear and Shame
The wavered spouse may fear judgment, misunderstanding, and the potential consequences of their actions.
Emotional Overwhelm
The discovery of the affair can bring about intense and uncomfortable emotions, such as guilt, remorse, and sadness, which the individual may struggle to process.
Grief for the Lost Affair
Even when an affair is known to be wrong, the wavered spouse may still grieve the loss of the validation, specialness, and emotional connection they experienced with the affair partner.
Withdrawal from Addiction
The intense emotions of the affair can be likened to an addiction, and the discovery can lead to withdrawal symptoms and a feeling of being “cut off from the high” provided by the affair partner.
What Their Behavior Communicates
Minimization
The wavered spouse may use pronouns or avoid discussing the details to distance themselves from the truth.
Avoidance
Silence, hesitation, or shutting down can be coping mechanisms to avoid emotional pain.
Self-Protection
The wavered spouse may prioritize their own discomfort and fear over the pain of others, appearing selfish.
Ambivalence and Other Factors
An unfaithful partner’s reluctance to commit is a combination of several psychological factors.
The Cheater’s Dilemma: Competing Attachments
The cheating partner is often caught in a “push-pull” dynamic, where they simultaneously feel a need to reconnect with their original partner and a desire to escape. They want to regain a sense of safety but struggle with whether that security lies in the marriage or with the affair partner.
Avoidant Behavior
Many unfaithful partners who go cold after discovery are fundamentally avoidant. They tend to run from emotional conversations, not because they are unfeeling, but because they struggle with feelings of shame, guilt, and fear related to their infidelity. This may lead them to shut down, lie, or downplay the affair to avoid difficult discussions.
Relationship Inertia
Affair partners may be aware of deeper issues but find it easier to keep the status quo. Factors such as financial dependence, fear of being alone, or the difficulty of uprooting their life can make ending the primary relationship feel too daunting. This is sometimes referred to as “relationship inertia”.
Key Takeaways
Ultimately, a major cause of cold feet is the cheating partner’s focus on self-preservation. They may be motivated to end the affair out of fear of losing their family, home, or social standing, rather than out of genuine commitment to their spouse or affair partner. The cold feet signal a sudden, painful awareness of the very real and immediate consequences they had been ignoring.
Recovering From Infidelity
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend you get support through professional counseling and therapy, as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!
Share Your Story
The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.
About CHADIE Foundation
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma) helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.
The CHADIE Foundation 