Understanding DARVO During and After Betrayal
(This is a contributed article.)
For those who know the bitterness of betrayal, denial, and deflection by the betraying spouse, it is easy to recognize an all too common experience… being DARVO-ed. Many find that their cheating spouse has become a DARVO demon.
What is a DARVO?
A DARVO is someone who Denies, Attacks, and uses Reverse Victim and Offender techniques. The DARVO concept was coined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd, a research psychologist at the University of Oregon. DARVO describes a manipulative response to being confronted about wrongdoing. The cheater may:
- Deny the affair
- Attack their accuser (e.g., blame their partner)
- Reverse Victim and Offender, making themselves out to be the injured party rather than the betrayer
Simply stated, DARVO is a psychological manipulation tactic in the context of interpersonal abuse, infidelity, and institutional betrayal. It describes how perpetrators of harm — when confronted — respond by:
- Denying wrongdoing
- Attacking the accuser
- Reversing the roles of victim and offender
Key aspects of DARVO include:
- Common in abusive relationships — Often used by narcissists, cheaters, and abusers to evade accountability.
- Gaslighting component — The goal is to make the victim doubt their perception of events.
- Used in various contexts — Found in personal relationships, workplace harassment, and political or institutional settings.
DARVO in Infidelity & Relationships
In cases of cheating and infidelity, a spouse using DARVO may:
- Deny: “I never cheated, he’s just a friend.”
- Attack: “Why are you so paranoid and controlling?”
- Reverse Victim & Offender: “I only cheated because you made me feel unloved!”
This response shifts guilt away from them and puts the betrayed partner on the defensive — often leaving them confused, guilty, or even apologizing.
How to Counter DARVO
- Recognize the Pattern — Stay aware of the manipulation as it’s happening.
- Don’t Engage in Defensiveness — Stick to facts: “Regardless of what you say, the fact remains that you cheated.”
- Use the ‘Broken Record’ Technique — Keep bringing the focus back: “This isn’t about me. You betrayed our marriage and my trust.”
- Seek Support — A therapist or support group can validate your reality.
- Consider Exit Strategies — If DARVO is a chronic pattern, it may indicate a toxic or narcissistic partner.
Studies and Research on DARVO
Freyd’s Original Work on DARVO
- Freyd (1997, 2018) explored DARVO as a key tactic in betrayal trauma theory, where victims of abuse may develop psychological distress because their abuser manipulates reality.
Harsey & Freyd (2020) — Empirical Study on DARVO’s Impact
- This study found that when perpetrators use DARVO, victims are more likely to be doubted by others and less likely to be believed.
- The research also highlighted that observers who witness DARVO are sometimes manipulated into taking the perpetrator’s side.
Zarate et al. (2019) — DARVO and Gaslighting
- Examined how DARVO overlaps with gaslighting, finding that it is a deliberate attempt to discredit and silence victims.
- Showed that individuals with narcissistic traits are more likely to use DARVO in personal relationships.
Metadata & Meta-Analyses on DARVO and Abuser Tactics
- While there are limited meta-analyses on DARVO specifically, broader research on perpetrator defense mechanisms (including blame-shifting, minimization, and denial) supports DARVO’s existence as a widely used strategy.
- Studies in forensic psychology and criminology also discuss how abusers use DARVO to avoid legal consequences.
Books & Academic Sources on DARVO, Gaslighting, and Manipulation
Freyd, J. J., & Birrell, P. (2013) — Blind to Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren’t Being Fooled
- Explores DARVO and the psychology of betrayal, including in relationships and institutions.
Harsey, S., & Freyd, J. J. (2020) — Perpetrator Responses to Victim Confrontation: DARVO and Victim Self-Blame (Journal Article)
- This study highlights how perpetrators manipulate their victims and others through DARVO.
Stern, R. (2018) — The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life
- Explains gaslighting, how it intersects with DARVO, and practical strategies for breaking free.
Brown, L. (2021) — Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Recognizing and Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse
- Offers guidance for those dealing with manipulative ex-spouses, especially post-infidelity.
Shannon Thomas (2016) — Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse
- A therapist’s guide to identifying and escaping psychological abusers, including those who use DARVO.
Recovering From Infidelity
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend you get support through professional counseling and therapy, as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!
Share Your Story
The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.
About CHADIE Foundation
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma) helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.
The CHADIE Foundation 