Marriage With a Covert Narcissist

Understanding their behavior, manipulation tactics, and the h*llish environment it creates

Dealing with a covert narcissist in a marriage can be emotionally draining and challenging, given their subtle manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, and need for control. In other words, it can be utter h*ll!

If you or someone you know is in a marriage or relationship with a covert narcissist, here are some strategies to help:

Educate Yourself: Understand covert narcissism. Knowing how it manifests (e.g., playing the victim, avoiding accountability, emotional manipulation) will help you recognize patterns and stay grounded in reality.
Set Boundaries: Firm boundaries are crucial. Be clear about what behavior is unacceptable, and enforce consequences consistently, as narcissists often test boundaries.
Prioritize Self-Care: Covert narcissists can be emotionally exhausting. Ensure you take time for self-care — physically, mentally, and emotionally — to maintain resilience and avoid burnout.
Avoid Engaging in Power Struggles: Covert narcissists thrive on control and often provoke people for reactions. Refusing to engage in these power struggles can reduce their grip on you and allow you to remain in control of your emotions.
Seek Support: Narcissistic abuse can feel isolating. Find a therapist or support group familiar with narcissism. A strong support system provides validation, practical strategies, and emotional relief.
Don’t Expect Accountability: A covert narcissist is unlikely to take responsibility for their actions. Acknowledge this and adjust your expectations, which can help minimize frustration.
Consider Counseling: If your spouse is willing, couples therapy with a therapist who understands narcissistic behavior can help. If they aren’t willing to change, individual therapy for yourself might be essential.
Evaluate the Relationship: Consider whether the relationship is sustainable for you. Narcissistic partners rarely change without significant self-awareness and commitment to therapy. It may be necessary to assess whether staying in the marriage is healthy for you long-term.

These steps can help you protect your well-being, recognize manipulation, and make informed decisions about the future of your relationship. Here are some examples and scenarios that can make these strategies more relatable and practical when dealing with a covert narcissist in a marriage:

Educate Yourself

Scenario: You notice your spouse frequently shifts the blame to you for even minor issues. When a project at work stresses them out, they blame you for not being supportive, even if you’ve offered help.
Example: By learning about covert narcissism, you recognize this as “blame-shifting,” a hallmark of narcissistic manipulation. Understanding this helps you not to internalize their accusations and maintain perspective.

Set Boundaries

Scenario: Your spouse tends to make cutting remarks masked as jokes and, when confronted, claims you’re being too sensitive. For instance, they might say, “Oh, I guess I should know better than to expect you to be on time,” when you’re running late.
Example: A boundary might be to calmly state, “I won’t engage in conversations where you make jokes at my expense. If it happens again, I’ll remove myself from the situation.” If they continue, you walk away without engaging further.

Prioritize Self-Care

Scenario: The constant emotional manipulation leaves you feeling exhausted and stressed. For example, they consistently give you the silent treatment after a disagreement, leaving you to guess what’s wrong.
Example: Taking time for self-care means scheduling regular breaks for yourself, whether that’s spending time with friends, engaging in hobbies, or even simply having alone time to recharge and ground yourself emotionally.

Avoid Engaging in Power Struggles

Scenario: During a discussion about finances, your spouse derails the conversation by bringing up an unrelated issue to distract from the real problem. They might say, “You’re always so focused on money. I don’t know why I even bother talking to you.”
Example: Rather than defending yourself or getting drawn into an argument about your priorities, you stay focused and say, “We can discuss other issues later, but right now, I want to address our budget.”

Seek Support

Scenario: Your spouse frequently invalidates your feelings. When you express being upset about their lack of emotional support, they dismiss you with, “You’re overreacting again.”
Example: Joining a support group for partners of narcissists or seeing a therapist familiar with covert narcissism helps you understand that your feelings are valid and you’re not “crazy” for being upset. This external validation can be crucial in restoring your self-worth.

Don’t Expect Accountability

Scenario: After a family gathering, your spouse tells you that your behavior embarrassed them. They insist you apologize for something trivial, like laughing too loudly, but refuse to acknowledge their rude comments during the event.
Example: Instead of expecting them to admit fault or trying to reason with them, you calmly say, “I don’t agree with your perspective, but I’ll take it into consideration.” This helps you disengage from their need to control the narrative.

Consider Counseling

Scenario: You’ve suggested couples counseling multiple times, but your spouse continually refuses, saying, “I don’t need therapy, you’re the one with the issues.”
Example: Rather than waiting for them to agree, you pursue individual therapy to process your feelings and learn coping mechanisms. A therapist helps you explore whether staying in the relationship is in your best interest.

Evaluate the Relationship

Scenario: Over time, you notice patterns of emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and a lack of genuine affection or empathy. Even after confronting these issues, your spouse either dismisses them or promises to change but never follows through.
Example: You decide to evaluate your well-being and whether staying in this relationship is sustainable. You might begin planning an exit strategy, whether that involves discussing separation, seeking legal advice, or focusing on your financial independence.

These examples reflect the real-life dynamics of living with a covert narcissist and show how each strategy can be applied in specific situations to protect your emotional and mental well-being.

References

Durvasula, R. (2016). Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. Post Hill Press.
Behary, W. (2013). Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed. New Harbinger Publications.
Goulston, M. (2012). Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. AMACOM.
Lindsay, J., & Crothers, L. (2014). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Atria Books.
Stines, S. (2020). The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free. Hachette Go.
Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special. HarperWave.
Campbell, W. K., & Campbell, J. (2009). When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself. Sourcebooks.
Brown, L. J. (2021). Narcissistic Partners & Co-Parents: A Guide for Recovering and Healing from Emotional Abuse. Createspace Independent Publishing.

These sources provide deeper insights into covert narcissistic behavior and offer practical tools and guidance for managing relationships with narcissistic partners.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!

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