Recognizing Blame-Shifting and Manipulation
There is a particular kind of psychological whiplash that happens when the person who betrayed you suddenly acts like you are the one who has harmed them. Instead of remorse, you’re met with:
- defensiveness
- anger
- self-pity
- accusations
- stonewalling
- “Look what you made me do.”
It’s disorienting. Confusing. Hurtful. Infuriating. And deeply confusing when you’re already in emotional shock from discovering the betrayal.
As someone who was betrayed and has worked with many betrayed spouses, I want you to hear this clearly:
You are not imagining it.
You are not crazy.
And you are not responsible for your spouse’s decision to cheat, no matter what they say.You are not their excuse, mistake, or betrayal.
When a cheating partner plays the victim, it’s not only manipulative, it’s a hallmark pattern seen in emotionally immature, avoidant, or narcissistically inclined individuals.
Let’s walk through what’s actually happening.
1. Why Do Cheaters Shift Blame?
Most cheating spouses don’t want to see themselves as someone who causes pain. So instead of facing their choices, they try to preserve their self-image by rewriting the story.
This can look like:
- “I wouldn’t have cheated if you weren’t so distant.”
- “You made home miserable.”
- “You stopped meeting my needs.”
- “You were too busy.”
- “You’ve always been controlling.”
- “I was lonely, and you pushed me away.”
These statements aren’t accountability. They’re rationalizations rooted in shame avoidance.
Cheating is a choice.
A betrayal.
A deception.
A violation of trust and integrity.
Blame-shifting is the cheater’s attempt to avoid the discomfort of admitting that to themselves.
2. DARVO: The Cheater’s Manipulation Pattern Explained
In betrayal trauma research, there’s a well-established manipulation cycle known as DARVO:
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Repeat.
Here’s how it unfolds:
Deny
They dismiss, minimize, or flat-out reject the evidence:
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “It wasn’t like that.”
- “Nothing happened.”
- “We’re just friends.”
Attack
When denial no longer works, they escalate:
- “Why are you snooping?”
- “You’re crazy.”
- “You’re making drama.”
- “You’re impossible to talk to.”
Reverse Victim and Offender
Finally, they flip the script:
- “I only talked to her because you’re cold.”
- “If you trusted me, none of this would have happened.”
- “You’ve emotionally abused me for years.”
- “You’re attacking me, you’re the real problem.”
Suddenly, you, the betrayed partner, are made to feel like the offender.
This is a psychological inversion. And it’s abusive.
3. Why Their Victim Act Feels So Convincing
A cheating spouse playing the victim often feels shockingly believable because:
1. They’re emotionally reactive and convincing
They feel genuinely wounded when their self-image is threatened. Their emotional intensity can look like sincerity.
2. They weaponize your empathy
If you’re a caring, conscientious person, they rely on your humanity to soften the spotlight.
3. You’re in trauma shock
Your nervous system is overwhelmed, making you more vulnerable to manipulation.
4. You want to save the marriage
Your desire to repair forces you to consider whether you might be to blame, making their narrative more potent.
5. They’ve rehearsed this
Affairs are rarely impulsive. The justifications have been building internally for weeks, months, or years. You walked into the conversation unprepared. They’ve been preparing for this moment.
4. Common Ways Cheating Spouses Play the Victim
Here are the most recognizable patterns therapists see:
a) The Martyr
“I’ve sacrificed everything. No one appreciates me.”
Translation: Don’t look at my choices, look at my suffering.
b) The Justified Victim
“You weren’t meeting my needs.”
Translation: You caused my cheating.
c) The Wounded Child
“I’m broken. I don’t know why I do things.”
Translation: Feel sorry for me so I don’t have to be accountable.
d) The Persecuted Spouse
“You’re attacking me! You’re abusive!”
Translation: If I accuse you first, I don’t have to answer questions.
e) The Martyr of Stress
“I’ve been under so much pressure. You have no idea.”
Translation: My stress is more important than your betrayal.
f) The Spiritual or Moral Bypass
“I’m going through something deep. You don’t understand.”
Translation: If I make this about my ‘journey,’ it isn’t betrayal.
g) The Hero Narrative
“The affair partner understood me. You never did.”
Translation: I cheated because I’m complicated, enlightened, or misunderstood.
In every case, the core pattern remains the same:
They cheat, they lie, they blame you, and they feel sorry for themselves.
5. How to Recognize You’re Being Manipulated
Ask yourself:
- Do I feel guilty for being hurt?
- Do I feel like I’m the problem, even though I didn’t betray the marriage?
- Do conversations always end with me comforting them?
- Do they show more distress about being confronted than about betraying me?
- Do I doubt myself more now than before discovery?
- Do I feel like I’m losing my sense of reality?
If so, you’re not in a conversation. You’re in a manipulation cycle.
6. What a Remorseful Partner Looks Like (So You Know the Difference)
A cheating spouse who is not manipulating you will show:
- full ownership (“I did this”)
- no excuses
- no blame-shifting
- empathy for your pain
- willingness to answer questions
- transparency with devices
- immediate end to contact with the affair partner
- a commitment to your healing pace
- a willingness to explore why they made the choices they did
Accountability sounds like:
“I betrayed you. I’m responsible for the pain I caused. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust.”
Anything else is avoidance, defensiveness, or manipulation, not remorse.
7. What to Do When Your Cheating Spouse Plays the Victim
You don’t have to convince them.
You don’t have to argue.
And you don’t have to accept their narrative.
Here’s what you can do:
1. Stay grounded in your truth
Repeat silently: “I did not cause their cheating.”
2. Set boundaries
“I won’t continue this conversation if you blame me for your choice.”
3. Limit circular conversations
Arguing with someone who’s rewriting history is emotional quicksand.
4. Don’t defend your right to feel hurt
Your pain is valid. Period. End of story.
5. Seek outside support
A therapist, coach, or trusted friend can help you maintain clarity.
6. Watch for patterns, not promises
Remorse is behavioral, not verbal.
7. If they stay in victim mode, rebuilding isn’t possible
This part is hard to hear, but important:
You cannot rebuild a marriage with someone who:
- refuses to take responsibility and accountability
- distorts reality
- centers their shame over your pain
- weaponizes self-pity
- uses DARVO to shut you down
- will not empathize with your trauma
Rebuilding requires truth.
Truth requires accountability.
Accountability requires humility.
Victim-playing is the opposite of humility.
9. You’re Not Crazy
Manipulation creates self-doubt.
Self-doubt creates vulnerability.
Vulnerability makes you easier to control.
Recognizing the pattern is the first step toward reclaiming your power.
The truth is simple:
Someone who betrayed the marriage may try to protect their ego by sacrificing your dignity.
You do not have to participate in that dynamic.
You deserve honesty.
You deserve clarity.
You deserve accountability.
You deserve peace.
Recovering From Infidelity
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! There is hope if you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity! We recommend seeking support through professional counseling and therapy, as well as participating in groups dedicated to supporting you during this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!
Share Your Story
The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story to share and have published it, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.
About CHADIE Foundation
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma) helps spouses, partners, and children who have been impacted by adultery, affairs, and infidelity. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.
The CHADIE Foundation 